Sunday, December 18, 2016

How About a Laugh? Pumpkin Spice Armageddon!

As we navigate our way through the Great Unveiling of our time I found that there is a need for a laugh in the midst of all this horror and last-minute media induced hysteria.

There are many holidays coming up soon and I thought I would share a meal and activities guide for those who were interested.

Let’s begin with an appetizer. Eat your heart out Linus because we are serving hot and steamy ‘Pumpkin Spice Ramen Noodles’:

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In 3 minutes you and your family will be enjoying this fabulously gourmet and pallet-expanding soup. (Pumpkin seeds included in the seasoning packet, cinnamon sticks are not.)

Don’t forget to tear open a family-sized bag of Pumpkin Spice Doritos-brand corn chips. Personally, I like to crush up the chips and sprinkle them into the soup.

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It just wouldn’t be the holiday season without some tasty and unique desserts to serve alongside your already diverse and once-a-year selection of food items. I suggest each guest and family member dive straight into a bag of Pumpkin Spice Skittles and Pumpkin Spice Jell-O Pudding:

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Now if your one of those ‘flashy’ dinner hosts you can dazzle your guests with another taste bud satisfying dessert selection:

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Peeps really went all out this year and even made these to accommodate the Gluten-Free crowd (Yay me!) and those who might need a boost in the middle of the day with a Latte flavoring added, and yes, it has Caffeine.

I don’t know about you but nothing says ‘let’s-get-this-holiday-started’ like a few four-finger shots of Burnett’s Pumpkin Spice Triple-Distilled Vodka:

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And yes for those who don’t have an alarmingly heavy alcohol tolerance like me you can pop open a bottle of Jack’s Pumpkin Spice Ale (Scarecrow not included):

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Now if you are having the little ones over and they are of the picky variety, whip out some some of the following snacks and get them on board with the holiday festivities!

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Shake a can of these around and you can bet all the kids will fly down your mistletoe-scented hallways to devour every last crumb! Once they’re in the kitchen you can entice them with some healthy and filling Pumpkin Spice Hummus:

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And everyone knows you can’t have hummus without some type of chips, which is why I suggest Nabisco’s Pumpkin Spice Triscuts. A pair of flavors and textures like this only come once a year, so don’t hesitate and treat yourself!

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Whew! All this eating has made the family and guests tired. I suppose that’s the end of the meal and wonderful memories right? Not so fast. If those Caffeine sugar bomb Peeps didn’t give you the boost you needed to continue the holiday cheering, I have a solution, well actually Four Loko has a solution:

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Four Loko has mastered the combination of alcohol, sugar and caffeine to give the drinker a magnificent and biologically confusing experience. But don’t take my word for it, grab one for the whole family and see for-Loko yourself!

Now that we have obtained some unstable but temporary energy, we can move on to some fun family activities. Nothing says ‘I love my family’ like driving out to the shooting range and learning how to shoot from Mom and Dad using Remington-brand Pumpkin Spice Buckshot Shot-shells:
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These babies will not just blow a 3 foot hole into the intended target but leave a pleasant Pumpkin Spice smell which lingers for up to 2 minutes.

Show them you love them by teaching your loved ones to defend themselves with the latest and most advanced and scented firearm, the Pumpkin Spice Glock:

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Never before has the art of sharp-shooting and clay pigeon punishing been so enjoyable with the most up-to-date and attractively scented firearm available on the market today.

After all is said and done, after all the food has been eaten and all the drinks have been drunk, it’s time to relax. But uh oh, you feel a funny feeling in your stomach. After eating 2 lifetimes worth of Pumpkin Spice products in one sitting it’s time to release some orange demons in the Oval Office.

After first visiting the local drugstore and picking up a bottle of Pumpkin Spice Pepto-bismal and taking 3X the recommended serving size amount to settle that Pumpkin Spice s*** storm brewing in your now infuriated intestines, it’s time to close the chapter on this season’s family gathering and feasting and visit the Porcelain Palace.

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I recommend Charmin’s Pumpkin Spice 2-ply DuraClean toilet paper to ‘finish the job’:

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And after hopefully not oozing Pumpkin Spice from every one of your orifices at the same time, I suggest making sure you clean those chompers with Crest’s Pumpkin Spice toothpaste, made with a long-lasting Pumpkin flavor:

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Seasons Greetings everyone!

P.S. After all the dishes are clean, the toilets unclogged and all have departed back to their humble abodes, make the most of the evening with that special someone with Durex’s Pumpkin Spice Condoms:

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